Mitigating
Trauma: Removal and Placement
Talking to Children About
Drugs, Alcohol, Violence and Abuse
Even when children are informed of the reasons why they were removed from their parents, they will blame themselves and internalize the removal as being their fault. Children often believe they are at fault because they have shared information with their social worker, who initiated the removal, even when their parents have warned them not to talk. Children must be informed about the services and interventions offered or implemented to prevent removal and keep them safe. Social workers should avoid using blaming language that places the parent at fault (respect the parent-child relationship), reassure the child of their safety, always name and validate feelings and emotions, and offer comfort and reassurance.
Information about Drugs/Alcohol
Infancy (0-2)
Pre-School (3-5)
School Age (6-12)
Youth (13-16)
Social workers need to be aware of the impact of substance abuse on the developing brain and central nervous system during pregnancy, birth and infancy.
Infancy is a time of rapid growth and development and infants rely on adults for survival. Substance use destabilizes the development of a secure attachment, which lays the foundation of all other growth.
Parents who use substances are distracted from consistently caring and responding to their child in a loving and nurturing way. This impacts their ability to establish daily routines to address the child's developmental needs.
Infants require consistent and predictable care. Growing up in a home where alcohol or drug use is prevalent can create an atmosphere of uncertainty, anxiety and instability.
Children at this age and development can recognize when someone uses alcohol or drugs because of changes in their behaviour. For example, it may make them happy, laughing, sleepy, have slurred speech, staggering, nonresponsive and unpredictable. It also results in an inability to respond to the child.
Keep your language simple and concrete when discussing drugs and alcohol use. Ask simple questions to discover their understanding of what has happened and listen to the child.
Children may have misunderstandings of substance use and this can be gently corrected. You should only build on the child's existing knowledge. Avoid providing too much information. Instead seek details of the child's knowledge and lived experience of parental substance use and focus on the child's safety.
Tell the child that they did not cause the problem. "This is a grown-up problem and only grown-ups can fix the problem."
Avoid telling the child that their parent is sick. This is confusing with their understanding of what every day sickness is.
Avoid using blaming language or providing details of parental substance use. This is not helpful.
Focus on what is happening, what will happen, and this is not their fault. "Your mom needs help from some adults and while she is getting help, you will stay with a family who will take care of you."
Provide reassurance and repeat as often as necessary to build security for the child. "This is not your fault. You are safe, you will be cared for, you are important, you are loved."
Children require structure, routine and predictability. Focus on their care and who will provide it. Allow contact and visits when it is safe to do so. The child will need to see their parents.
School-age children have an understanding of how alcohol and drug use can impact their family. They are more aware of their parents' behaviour and if it causes problems.
Both alcohol and cannabis are legalized and a part of acceptable social adult interactions. Societal messages may be confusing for children because in their home substance use is hurting their family. Parents may be secretive about their usage or think that their children are not aware of their usage. Children become hypervigilant in chaotic environments where their safety is threatened.
Children have different understandings of what alcohol and drugs are. What is legal and what is not. How misuse becomes a problem and how it impacts their parent's ability to care for them and keep them safe. Ask questions to determine their level of lived experience, exposure and understanding.
"When parents use substances, they may talk and act differently. They cannot take care of you when they are using substances. You are not safe. There is help for your mom and dad. We will help them get help."
Sometimes the word addiction is used. Children will have different understandings of addiction. Ask questions, and correct misunderstandings.
"When substance use becomes a problem, it can be called an addiction. Addiction is a sickness that makes grown-ups think they need to drink alcohol or take drugs to feel okay."
"When parents use substances, it impacts the whole family. This is not your fault. It is not because your parents don't love you. It can be very hard for parents to stop using substances. When parents use substances, it makes it hard for them to care for you the way they want to."
"This is not your fault, you did not cause this; it is not your problem to fix."
"You will see your parents when it is safe. If your parents show up at visits using substances, we may have to end the visit to keep you safe."
Youth have a greater understanding of drugs and alcohol than younger children. However, their information may not be correct. It is important that they receive the correct information, so they can engage in decision making. Sometimes they have more information than you do. It is important that they receive supportive information.
" Your parent is using substances that is impacting their ability to care for you and keep you safe. Their usage is serious enough that we have to ensure your safety while they work on addressing their substance use."
Name and validate emotions. "It is okay to be upset with your parents for using substances, I know you still care about them, and you are worried. You are experiencing a lot of mixed emotions. It is okay, I am here to talk things through"
Provide information of services that can help their parent and the youth. Answer questions honestly, identify gaps in their knowledge. If you don't know the answers to their questions, let them know that you don't know but you are committed to finding out and will let them know as soon as you know.
"When parent's use substances they act and speak differently. They can be aggressive. It is not because they do not love you. The drugs and alcohol are causing your parent to act out of control. It is important that they receive help, so they can continue to be there for you."
Information about Intimate Partner Violence
When children witness or hear intimate partner violence happening in their home, it can dysregulate their nervous system. If they are exposed to violence over extended periods of time, they can suffer from toxic stress, especially when their parent is not responsive to tending to their needs following the fight. Other factors may complicate their exposure, such as a parent getting physically hurt and police presence. Children need to know that fighting between parents is not their fault, and they did not cause them to fight, even when they hear their name in the fight. They need to know that fighting is not an acceptable way for parents to resolve problems, and their parents need to learn new ways of dealing with conflict. Fighting can make matters worse, and it can be very scary.
Infancy (0-2)
Pre-School (3-5)
When children at this stage of development are exposed to ongoing intimate partner violence in their home, it can cause long-lasting changes to the brain. It can also impact the development of the child's nervous system.
The younger a child is when they are exposed to violence, the greater the impact. Exposure to violence can cause issues for children that they will carry into adulthood.
Infants will need to be comforted and nurtured by a safe adult who can provide a loving safe environment where their needs are consistently met.
Children at this stage need reassurance that fighting is not acceptable and it is not their fault. "Sometimes, mommy, daddy and other adults hurt each other by yelling or hitting when they are upset. It is not okay for grown ups to hurt one another, it is not safe and people can get hurt."
Children need acknowledgment that they were hurt too, even though they may not have been apart of the violence, they witnessed.
"It is not okay for people you care about to get hurt because that hurts you too. It is scary when others get hurt, it is not okay when other people scare you."
Children will need to deal with mixed emotions. "It is okay to love your mommy and daddy even if you don't like some of the things they do, like when they fight, yell, hit or hurt others."
Children who have been exposed to domestic violence may display aggressive behaviours towards others, or act out of control and not be able to regulate their emotions.
They will need to be gently corrected, their behaviour is learned and is an expression of feelings they do not know how to express. Children will need to be supported to change their behaviour through a loving and nurturing relationship.
School Age (6-12)
Youth (13-16)
School-age children have a basic understanding of violence. They need to know that the fighting/violence is not the right way to deal with conflict.
Tell them: "It is not your fault; you cannot control what other people do. You did not cause this. It is not your responsibility, and you cannot fix it."
Children need to be told that some things are wrong. "It is not okay for people to hurt one another, and it can lead to serious problems. That is why it is against the law. It is dangerous and can scare you and cause you to worry. It is not safe for you to get involved when adults are fighting because you can get hurt, even though you want to help."
Talk about feelings and emotions.
"Can we talk about your feelings? It helps to talk about things. I am here to keep you safe and will answer your questions.
"It is okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, you can like somethings they do and not like other things they do. It is safe to talk about violence, even when you have been told not to discuss it."
They may feel powerlessness for not being able to stop the fighting. Welcome them to discuss their fears and worries.
Youth know that violence is wrong and against the law. Talk to them in terms of their rights and protections.
"You have a right to live in a home where there is no fighting. You have a right to feel safe in your home."
Youth may be put in the middle of disagreements and fights. This may cause them to take on the parenting role.
"You did not make people behave violently. This is not your fault, you did not cause this and it is not your responsibility to fix it."
"I am here to talk things through, you can me ask any question."
A youth may need to be informed about domestic violence to ensure they have the correct understanding, especially in cases where they have adopted some characteristics of the abuser. They need to know that domestic violence is a pattern of behaviour where one person tries to control another person.
"Everybody has the right to feel safe and not to be threatened by another person. Violence in any relationship is not acceptable. It is okay to be angry, it is not okay to inflict your anger towards other people."
Information about Abuse
Children can experience many types of abuse, including neglect, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Child abuse is not an accident, and it can happen to any child, although some children are more at risk than others. Child abuse cases in child welfare are particularly complicated when the child's parent, who is supposed to protect them, does not keep them safe. Child abuse usually occurs in the context of a relationship where the child is familiar with the perpetrator (parent, parent’s partner, relative, neighbour, teacher or coach) and therefore the child learns not to trust adults. Children must be told that the abuse is not their fault and that they did not deserve it. All children have a right to a childhood free of abuse. Children need to be encouraged to talk about feelings associated with the abuse, but not necessarily the instances of abuse, as this can often be retraumatizing for the child or jeopardize a police investigation. It is more important to validate feelings and emotions regarding the impact of the abuse and help the child to feel safe.
Infancy (0-2)
Abuse at this stage is very detrimental to a child’s brain and central nervous system. An infant who experiences abuse will heal in the context of a supportive, loving, and nurturing relationship.
Regulate your emotions to help the infant regulate theirs. The foster parent must pay extra attention to the infant’s cues. They must be held and rocked longer, soothed with dimmed lights and soft music. Infants should be played with, stimulated, and feeding and sleeping schedules adjusted to meet their needs.
Pre-School (3-5)
When speaking with a young child about abuse, your approach should be simple, calm, and supportive at this developmental stage. Children who think concretely may struggle with timelines and can easily misinterpret events. They often blame themselves. Ensure you offer safety, validation and clarity.
-
“I’m so glad you told what happened.”
-
“It is not your fault.”
-
“You didn't do anything wrong.”
-
“I'm here to help you and keep you safe.”
If a child makes a disclosure, validate the disclosure by acknowledging their courage and making space for their feelings.
“That was very brave of you to tell me. It is okay to talk to me; I help children stay safe.”
Remain calm and emotionally regulated. Children at this stage are highly attuned to your tone and body language, especially children who are hypervigilant about keeping safe. When you are relaxed and quiet, it tells the child they are safe.
Keep checking for the child’s understanding, ensuring they grasp what's being said to them.
Gently correct misinformation, for example, the child may believe they caused the abuse, may think they got the abuser in trouble or may believe they are bad. Be sure to tell them they are not bad, and it is not their fault.
“Grown-ups are supposed to keep children safe. The person who hurt you made a wrong decision; they should not have hurt you the way they did.”
School Age (6-12)
Be honest and provide information that is consistent with the child’s development, checking for the child’s level of understanding and gently correcting any misinformation. If a child is being removed after making a disclosure, thank the child for talking to you and validate their courage for speaking up.
-
“It was brave of you to tell someone.”
-
“I’m proud of you for speaking up.”
-
“What happened was not your fault.”
-
“You are safe.”
Encourage the child to ask questions.
“You can ask me any questions; I will do my best to answer them. If I do not have the answer, I will get the answer and let you know.”
Validate feelings and emotions to support their sense of safety. At this stage, children understand right and wrong. However, they often still struggle with conflicting loyalties, guilt, or shame that is associated with the abuse, especially when it's a parent who abused them. Validating a child strengthens their emotional regulation and confidence.
“It's okay to feel scared, confused, and even angry; these feelings make sense, especially when you have been hurt. It's okay to feel mixed up inside when someone you care about has hurt you.”
“You might still love them and feel hurt all at the same time. That's okay; you can care about someone and know what they did was wrong.”
“The person who hurt you made a wrong choice, and you are not to blame.”
Be prepared to answer questions about what happens next.
What will happen to them (the perpetrator)?
“I don't know exactly what will happen next. What I do know is that none of this is your fault.”
Will I get to see them again?
“Right now, the most important thing is making sure you are safe and cared for.”
“Those decisions will be made carefully and we will discuss this again later.”
Will they be mad at me?
“Sometimes people do get upset when others tell the truth about what has happened, especially when they have done something wrong. You did the right thing by telling.”
Youth (13-16)
Be honest and provide information that is consistent with the youth’s development, checking for the youth’s understanding and gently correct any misinformation.
Discuss their rights, always be honest, be respectful of their lived experience, be open about your role and limits of confidentiality in physical and sexual abuse cases that may be required to be referred to the police.
"Because you told me something serious about your safety, I do need to take steps to make sure that you are protected and safe, and I will do that in a way that respects you.”
“If what happened to you is considered a crime, it may need to be reported to the police and the police will look into it. I don't get to decide whether it is investigated or not. The law says I must report it.”
"It may feel like you are losing control of what happens next, and that's a really hard feeling. It makes sense if you're worried and angry. I understand and I'll be honest with you every step of the way and make sure that you are informed."
You are not in trouble, you did the right thing by telling"
Encourage the youth to ask questions.
“You can ask me any questions; I will do my best to answer them. If I don’t have the answer, I will get the answer and let you know.”
Be prepared to answer questions about what happens next.
What will happen to them (the perpetrator) ?
“I don't know exactly what will happen next. What I do know is that none of this is your fault.”
Will I get to see them again?
“Right now, the most important thing is making sure you are safe and cared for.”
“Those decisions will be made carefully and we will discuss this again later.”
Will they be mad at me?
“Sometimes people do get upset when others tell the truth about what has happened, especially when they have done something wrong. You did the right thing by telling.”