Mitigating
Trauma: Removal and Placement
Talking to Children about Foster Care
Children must be informed about what has happened, why, and what will happen next. Children often feel shock, anger, and sadness when being separated from their parents. They must receive information quickly, the information shared will need to be adapted for individual circumstances, age and development. The four age categories below are generalized. A child's development must be considered in choosing the best approach. It is important for the social worker to think about how they plan to inform the child. To ask questions to check for understanding.
Consider Ages & Developmental Stages when Informing a Child
Infant (0-2)
Pre-School (3-5)
Infants have no understanding of language-based explanations, but they are attuned to their parents' voice, touch, smell, routine and their environment.
Attachment disruptions in infancy have significant long-term impacts on the developing brain, neurological and emotional development.
At this stage, a child's development is dependent on the development of an attachment bond.
Be present and emotionally attuned, the child will respond to your nervous system. Regulate yourself to help the child co-regulate and demonstrate it in tone of voice, breathing and posture. Speak softly and calmly, relax body and hold and gently rock the child.
Be sure to minimize disruption in sleeping and feeding routines. Gather familiar things, formula, bottles, creams, soaps, blankets and clothing.
At this age, children have limited language development and understanding.
Use simple, clear, concrete language.
"You are going to stay with another family for a while. They will keep you safe and take care of you. You will get to call and visit Mom and Dad."
At this stage, children have strong attachment needs, and separation feels like abandonment. They need predictability. Emphasize safety and routine. "There will be toys for you to play with. You will have your own bedroom."
They believe their thoughts, feelings or actions caused them to be removed from their family and home. Gently correct their misunderstandings, "It is not your fault; you didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes it is not safe to live with mommy or daddy"
Be present and emotionally attuned, the child will respond more to your tone of voice and body language than your words.
Do not rush the process, provide reassurance. "Foster families are safe places for you to stay while mommy and daddy get better at taking care of you. Some kids like their foster parents a lot, and that's okay. It's okay to if you like your foster parents and your parents too, all at the same time."
Repeat information often and watch for signs of fear, confusion and shutdown.
School Age (6-12)
Youth (13-16)
At this age, the child's language is developed, and they are creating a greater sense of right and wrong. They identify as belonging to a family. They may feel shame and responsibility for the separation.
Use clear, honest, and age-appropriate language. Children in this age group are developing a greater understanding of more complex explanations. They still need you to constantly check for understanding of the information being shared. The child will also require reassurance.
"Sometimes families need help. You have not done anything wrong. This is not your fault. Your parents need to learn ways to keep you safe. While mom and dad get help, you will stay with a family who will keep you safe. I know living in a foster home is not your idea, but a foster family will take care of you and keep you safe."
Ask if they have any questions for you and answer them honestly. If you do not have the answers, tell them you will find the answer. You will let them know as soon as you know.
Allow space for big feelings such as anger, fear, and sadness, and validate their feelings and emotions. Be comfortable sitting with the unknown.
"It is okay to feel mad, confused, and angry. I know it is hard to understand. I will help you understand by answering all of your questions."
Offer choices where possible.
Let the child know what will remain the same and what will be different. "You will live in a different house but you will attend the same school."
"Some kids may get worried when they like their foster parents, they don't want to hurt their mommy or daddy's feelings or have anyone take their special place."
A youth is capable of abstract thinking. They will question authority and fairness. Their identity is strongly tied to family, culture and autonomy. They are aware of injustice, if they feel the removal is punitive, they may reject your help and withdraw or run away.
Be respectful, transparent, and direct in providing information.
"This is not meant to punish you. Your parents have a responsibility to provide for all of your needs. I know this is hard. You deserve to be safe while things are being worked on. You will stay with a foster family while your parents get help."
Be present. Validate their feelings and emotions. Let them know you are there to talk things through. Do not rush or dismiss feelings or behaviours.
"I know this is upsetting and hard to understand. I am here to answer all of your questions honestly."
Provide accurate information regarding timelines, rights and supports. Inform them that they have a right to be involved in decisions that affect them.
Allow them to express their views regarding their situation and placement. Acknowledge their insight and pain, be prepared to sit with them.
Offer space to process the information and be available when they need to speak to you again.
Keep them informed and allow them to participate in decisions that impact their lives.